I Don’t Know

Recently I’ve been feeling a lot of pressure. From myself. From others. From society.

To have a plan. To know what it is I want to do with my life. To know when I’m going to move out, where I want to live, how much money I want to make, what kind of career I want to pursue, or if I even want to work until I’m 60 and retire at all.

I look at my life and how I’m just trying to grasp being a 23 year old in today’s world and I’ve found myself saying “I don’t know” to a lot of things.

At the stage I’m in, I’m learning and unlearning so much about life itself, the humans in it, the systems. Just the other day, I was educating myself on the northern lights. Why? Just because. There’s so much to experience in a single lifetime.

I’m trying to be more present, live in my truth, and still have fun in a world that seems to be changing every single second.

I realize that I have a lot of opportunity that many of my black female ancestors didn’t. To decide if I want to marry, have kids, go to college, find a good job. It wasn’t a choice they were able to make. Their life was already written for them. And here I am, living outside of all of that.

I’m not a college student anymore, I’m not a mother, I’m not a wife, and right now, I’m not looking to be any of that.

Exploring life outside of the “American Dream” is intimidating, but in the past few weeks, I’ve been reading and listening to people who have decided to step out onto their own path. To opt out and live in a way that works for them. Being exposed to other ways you can live besides the get married, have kids, work, retire, and THEN have fun route, got me thinking.

I got excited to be on this unknown path and then… I got scared.

I felt like I was in a Super Mario Brothers game with a bunch of those boxes that has question marks on them. I started to get overwhelmed by all of the directions I’m exploring for my next step. And each, is a box. I won’t know anything, until I make a move.

I currently work a full time job that I know I don’t see myself retiring from. It pays the bills. For a while, I’ve been praying and asking God to give me a sign (obviously, a detailed plan lol) of whatever it is I’m supposed to be doing next. And obviously, that’s not how God works. I ended up just completely overwhelming myself by living too far in the future.

I came across a post this past week that got me together though:

I learned that this season can still be used towards my purpose. All this time, I was getting too caught up in knowing everything. I realized I don’t have to have all the answers. I’m not supposed to have everything figured out. I don’t have to always be correct. I don’t need to be too concerned with whether or not I’m on the right path, because as long as I’m still breathing, I’m exactly where I need to be.

The only thing I can do is be intentional about every single choice I make. Every step I take.

I have to know that no matter what I do, wherever I go, whoever I become, I will not lose. My life is in God’s hands and he is forever victorious. And when everything gets to be too much, I know I need to dial it back and replace my fear and anxiety with love and truth.

He can handle whatever it is because that’s his job and he carries me. 

And until God is ready to change my situation, I will live in it. I will embrace these uncomfortable parts. I will thank him (he’s still good!). This unknown territory is character development. My perseverance will inspire others and in turn, bring glory to him. I’ll still continue to pray and ask for wisdom, but I won’t overwhelm myself in the process.

I don’t know if I want to have kids. I don’t know if I want to start dating again. I don’t know where I’d like to live in the future. I don’t know what type of work I want to do yet. 

I don’t know and that’s okay.

A few months ago, I met a friend after my car broke down in a parking lot at the strip mall. He highlighted Psalms 119: 106 and so I’ll leave it with you today. If you’re struggling to find your path, your purpose, or your next step, imagine a small lamp around your feet. You can only see a little bit down there, not the whole path.

“Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path”.

Have a beautiful week! 🤎