Since I’m going to be on this blog for the foreseeable future, I might as well go ahead and give you some backstory of my life.
Before we get going, I want to clarify that this post is not intended to demolish anyone’s character, but to share my story in the most authentic way.
There are possible triggers (abuse, alcoholism).
My parents met while working at a local grocery store. Some kind of way, they were attracted to each other and I’m proof of that! They were never married so I stayed with my mom mostly and spent the weekends with my dad and his side of the family. As far back as I can remember, my mom had a warm feeling about her. She was soft spoken, gentle, and caring. My dad on the other hand, scared the daylights out of me! He never mistreated me, but he’s only 4 inches shy of being 7 feet tall. The guy is HUGE. That, combined with his deep voice and not so inviting face that I kind of inherited, was scary to me. Thankfully, he turned out to be pretty cool as I got older and less intimidating as I grew taller. They seemed to get along and they did their part to make sure I was taken care of.
I noticed things were changing by the time I got to middle school. Not only with my body (thanks puberty), but within my mom. She was going through something and began to heavily consume alcohol on a regular basis. The mom I grew to love and admire was vanishing right before my eyes and I didn’t know what to do to stop the process. This was hard to understand because I was so used to one version of her. The alcohol, anger, and abuse happened slowly and all at once. I didn’t share what I went through with the rest of my family members at first, because I didn’t know how. I was embarrassed and ashamed. Things got so bad that I ended up running away in 8th grade. It was the scariest thing I ever had to do because I was leaving all I knew behind. I walked from our apartment to my aunt’s house and I had to cross the busiest highway intersection in our city. I didn’t know what was on the other side of that, but I couldn’t stay in that toxic environment.
I lived with my aunt from that point on and other family members sprinkled in along the way. I was still able to see my dad whenever, but sometimes I didn’t want to. Not for any particular reason, I just feared that he’d eventually treat me the same way if I got any closer to him. I didn’t know who I could trust because the person I trusted the most, caused me so much pain. Growing up with an emotionally unavailable and mostly absent mom was hard. I didn’t know how to handle it because it was usually the dad who played that role. I saw my aunt being there for my cousins and I often questioned why my own mom couldn’t be there for me. It seemed so simple.
My family really pushed me to not let what happened over those few years negatively impact me or the years to come. I prayed and have been prayed over so many times by my family and I’m forever thankful. They all sacrificed so much to take care of me and that can never be repaid, but I owe it to them to make something of myself. I didn’t want any of that to be in vain, which is another reason I started EB.
I still had to make good grades in school. As the years went by, I graduated high school and college. By that point, I had already researched enough information about things that happened to me during my childhood to recognize exactly what I went through. I looked for ways to cope, how to set boundaries, and that led me to dive deep into personal development and self discovery. Since college, I’ve been to therapy. I’m a lot closer to my dad now. My relationship with my mom is still developing, but God has shown me how to forgive and have grace. I love them both.
Like I stated on my page, I’ve been journaling since I was a little girl. I didn’t know that writing would become my therapy or my freedom or that I’d ever be writing this. Through it all, God has never left my side. He brought me healing and peace. I have a lot more to say and I wasn’t intending for this to be as long as it is. I just wanted to start off with being transparent to set the tone for the posts to come. I know that can get lost online. I want my platform to reflect real life, tell all kinds of stories, and promote community. A space where vulnerability is normal. I’m sure you could tell a few stories too and I think opening up and sharing them should be welcomed in our society a lot more than it is. I don’t know why, but it seems like there’s a competition on who can tell the most traumatic story ever and that just ain’t it. Okurrr. We have to get to a place where we can embrace our past, look for ways to be better individuals, come together, and support each other while endlessly becoming. Have a great week <3
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perserverance. Let perserverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
JAMES 1: 2-4